| Many years ago, when I was living in | | | | finally "get me", and instead, I took my life |
| circumstances not quite like today, I | | | | into my own hands.*I* gave *me* what I need |
| invented something in the spur of the moment | | | | and wanted.And the result was that I |
| which is fascinating and has significantly | | | | *actually GOT WHAT I NEEDED*.That's an |
| improved my life.It actually started four | | | | amazing lesson, in many ways and on many |
| months earlier, for my birthday in fact.I had | | | | different levels.Women are STILL deeply |
| wanted to buy something very esoteric for me | | | | entrained to be the providers and to take |
| - a personal development tape set about | | | | nothing for themselves; the "culture of |
| wealth and success; but it was massively | | | | everything for others and nothing for you" is |
| expensive and although my husband didn't | | | | even more global than that and extends to |
| exactly beat me with sticks on a daily basis, | | | | EVERYONE.There are many things about the bold |
| there would have been NO WAY I would have | | | | move of DELIBERATELY choosing and wrapping a |
| been "given permission" to buy this with the | | | | present complete with a card TO YOUR SELF |
| meagre family funds.This sort of thing was | | | | which are remarkable.ALL the religions say |
| held to be "stupid" and "pointless" and "a | | | | that you should give service - there is no |
| waste of money", and there wasn't anyone at | | | | logical reason to EXCLUDE one single person |
| all in my life at that time who would care | | | | from the service, of all the many people on |
| enough or even try to understand me enough to | | | | this planet.8 billion minus - one?And that |
| actually go out and buy it for me.Please. | | | | one is ... YOU?That makes no sense, but |
| Start the violins! And then bring in the | | | | that's the way we have come to understand |
| cello section, for good measure!Ok, so I was | | | | it.In psychology terms, to exclude the self |
| feeble back then, had no self esteem, didn't | | | | from the service and devotion extended to |
| know what I was doing because I hadn't | | | | others is actually pathological and a sign |
| received my personal development tapes yet | | | | there's something wrong with you!One could |
| :-) but I came up with the idea to sneak the | | | | argue, and I would indeed argue this, that if |
| money and then in order to have an excuse for | | | | you give gifts to other people but NOT TO |
| having the tapes around the house, to say | | | | YOURSELF, you are sending the wrong message, |
| that a girlfriend had given it to me as a | | | | big time.And practically speaking, this |
| present.I went into action. I sold some | | | | shouldn't be anything special. It should NOT |
| things, skimmed some of the money off the | | | | be like the first time I did that - full of |
| shopping budget, ordered the set (without | | | | guilt or shame or so significant or |
| using the family checkbook but with postal | | | | revolutionary as a concept.You should just |
| orders instead!); sat on the doorstep for a | | | | simply be on your own shopping list at |
| week so I could intercept the postman; when | | | | Christmas, just the same as everyone else you |
| it arrived, I hid it carefully and then got | | | | are buying presents for!Everyone should buy |
| gift wrap, wrapped it, put a card to it and | | | | themselves a gift at Christmas! And on their |
| signed it with a greeting from the imaginary | | | | birthdays, and on whatever holiday or |
| friend.Then I put it on the hall table | | | | celebration their culture prescribes. They |
| because now, it could be seen and stand up to | | | | should take the opportunity to express thus |
| questioning.When my birthday came, I hadn't | | | | practically their support and gratitude for |
| been so excited about it in YEARS.I raced | | | | all that was done, for WHO THEY ARE, with a |
| down the stairs like a kid to get "my | | | | small gift and a card which carries the words |
| present", and even burst out into tears when | | | | so they may be read, and understood.That is |
| I opened it (which was explained with an | | | | in essence, a blessing.To perform this |
| onslaught of PMT) and hugged it.It was the | | | | ceremony on behalf of one's self is not only |
| best present I'd had in YEARS.Then, Christmas | | | | fair, and more than that, it is a HUGE |
| turned up and even though I felt guilty as | | | | metaphor of integration and integrity.It is a |
| hell, I did it again with something I | | | | fantastic opportunity to sit back and assess, |
| similarly desired.I've been doing this ever | | | | very practically, where you're at, what might |
| since.Now you may say that's not in the | | | | make you happy, and to enter in a |
| spirit of things, but 25 years later and with | | | | communication with the "forgotten self" that |
| the hindsight of a professional career in | | | | brings this one back into the fold of the 8 |
| counselling and psychology behind me that | | | | billion.This is not a selfish act at all, but |
| began with that gift I gave myself, I would | | | | instead, a golden opportunity to ensure that |
| say that what I did there was to CHANGE MY | | | | on many levels, this one person gets what |
| LIFE.There was no-one there to give me what I | | | | they want; that this one person is as happy |
| wanted, and finally, I stopped waiting for | | | | as circumstances will allow; and you know, |
| that mysterious knight in shining armour, or | | | | beyond all material goods, it really is the |
| the glowing angel manifesting on my doorstep, | | | | thought that counts.Dr Silvia Hartmann is the |
| or the mysterious rich uncle who I never knew | | | | author of "Oceans Of Energy" and "Project |
| about, or my husband to undergo some instant | | | | Sanctuary". |
| personality transformation so he would | | | | |