| Many years ago, when I was living in circumstances | | | | my own hands.*I* gave *me* what I need and |
| not quite like today, I invented something in the spur of | | | | wanted.And the result was that I *actually GOT |
| the moment which is fascinating and has significantly | | | | WHAT I NEEDED*.That's an amazing lesson, in many |
| improved my life.It actually started four months earlier, | | | | ways and on many different levels.Women are STILL |
| for my birthday in fact.I had wanted to buy something | | | | deeply entrained to be the providers and to take |
| very esoteric for me - a personal development tape | | | | nothing for themselves; the "culture of everything for |
| set about wealth and success; but it was massively | | | | others and nothing for you" is even more global than |
| expensive and although my husband didn't exactly | | | | that and extends to EVERYONE.There are many |
| beat me with sticks on a daily basis, there would have | | | | things about the bold move of DELIBERATELY |
| been NO WAY I would have been "given permission" | | | | choosing and wrapping a present complete with a |
| to buy this with the meagre family funds.This sort of | | | | card TO YOUR SELF which are remarkable.ALL the |
| thing was held to be "stupid" and "pointless" and "a | | | | religions say that you should give service - there is no |
| waste of money", and there wasn't anyone at all in my | | | | logical reason to EXCLUDE one single person from |
| life at that time who would care enough or even try to | | | | the service, of all the many people on this planet.8 billion |
| understand me enough to actually go out and buy it for | | | | minus - one?And that one is ... YOU?That makes no |
| me.Please. Start the violins! And then bring in the cello | | | | sense, but that's the way we have come to |
| section, for good measure!Ok, so I was feeble back | | | | understand it.In psychology terms, to exclude the self |
| then, had no self esteem, didn't know what I was doing | | | | from the service and devotion extended to others is |
| because I hadn't received my personal development | | | | actually pathological and a sign there's something |
| tapes yet :-) but I came up with the idea to sneak the | | | | wrong with you!One could argue, and I would indeed |
| money and then in order to have an excuse for having | | | | argue this, that if you give gifts to other people but |
| the tapes around the house, to say that a girlfriend had | | | | NOT TO YOURSELF, you are sending the wrong |
| given it to me as a present.I went into action. I sold | | | | message, big time.And practically speaking, this |
| some things, skimmed some of the money off the | | | | shouldn't be anything special. It should NOT be like the |
| shopping budget, ordered the set (without using the | | | | first time I did that - full of guilt or shame or so |
| family checkbook but with postal orders instead!); sat | | | | significant or revolutionary as a concept.You should |
| on the doorstep for a week so I could intercept the | | | | just simply be on your own shopping list at Christmas, |
| postman; when it arrived, I hid it carefully and then got | | | | just the same as everyone else you are buying |
| gift wrap, wrapped it, put a card to it and signed it with | | | | presents for!Everyone should buy themselves a gift at |
| a greeting from the imaginary friend.Then I put it on the | | | | Christmas! And on their birthdays, and on whatever |
| hall table because now, it could be seen and stand up | | | | holiday or celebration their culture prescribes. They |
| to questioning.When my birthday came, I hadn't been | | | | should take the opportunity to express thus practically |
| so excited about it in YEARS.I raced down the stairs | | | | their support and gratitude for all that was done, for |
| like a kid to get "my present", and even burst out into | | | | WHO THEY ARE, with a small gift and a card which |
| tears when I opened it (which was explained with an | | | | carries the words so they may be read, and |
| onslaught of PMT) and hugged it.It was the best | | | | understood.That is in essence, a blessing.To perform |
| present I'd had in YEARS.Then, Christmas turned up | | | | this ceremony on behalf of one's self is not only fair, |
| and even though I felt guilty as hell, I did it again with | | | | and more than that, it is a HUGE metaphor of |
| something I similarly desired.I've been doing this ever | | | | integration and integrity.It is a fantastic opportunity to sit |
| since.Now you may say that's not in the spirit of things, | | | | back and assess, very practically, where you're at, |
| but 25 years later and with the hindsight of a | | | | what might make you happy, and to enter in a |
| professional career in counselling and psychology | | | | communication with the "forgotten self" that brings this |
| behind me that began with that gift I gave myself, I | | | | one back into the fold of the 8 billion.This is not a selfish |
| would say that what I did there was to CHANGE MY | | | | act at all, but instead, a golden opportunity to ensure |
| LIFE.There was no-one there to give me what I | | | | that on many levels, this one person gets what they |
| wanted, and finally, I stopped waiting for that | | | | want; that this one person is as happy as |
| mysterious knight in shining armour, or the glowing | | | | circumstances will allow; and you know, beyond all |
| angel manifesting on my doorstep, or the mysterious | | | | material goods, it really is the thought that counts.Dr |
| rich uncle who I never knew about, or my husband to | | | | Silvia Hartmann is the author of "Oceans Of Energy" |
| undergo some instant personality transformation so he | | | | and "Project Sanctuary". |
| would finally "get me", and instead, I took my life into | | | | |